Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Finding My Voice

She had to be around here somewhere.  Unfortunately, no matter where I looked, she'd mysteriously vanished.

"Come on out," I called.  "This isn't funny anymore."

Kneeling down, I looked under the bed.  Nope she wasn't there, nor was she hiding in the pantry.  I pulled open the closet doors, but she wasn't among the coats and hats either.  Desperate, I started running through the house, flipping on every light I could.

Still, nothing.  It was as if she'd simply left me.  She'd been gone for stretches before, but I could always count on her being there if I put enough effort into finding her.  Was that what this was, some dramatic game of hide and seek?  Did I need to prove I still had feelings for her to get her to show back up?

"I won't take you for granted again," I pleaded.

Only silence pervaded.  My Muse had gone.  Without her, I had no energy to start a new project.  For that matter, I had no energy to continue old projects.  She provided my push while traveling or after work.  Her being gone left me feeling hollow.

Why had I ever taken her for granted?  I thought she'd always be there.  Sure, I discarded her on occasion when I felt as if I had better things to do, but she always came back.  Even during that period of five years during which I tried to ignore her, she was always on the edges, urging me onto success.

Now there was nothing.  I pined for her.  She was one of my main reasons for being, providing meaning and structure to my life, but she was the one ignoring me.

"Please come back.  What am I going to do without you?"

Still nothing.  My computer sat on my desk, a half-finished page staring back at me.  In the files were two half finished novels that were quiet(Half-finished?  Who was I kidding?  They were barely at the beginning of each).  I used to have to push her off since she was giving me too many ideas, yet now she wasn't helping with me any of them.

She had to be here somewhere.  As an immortal being who'd been with me since childhood, she couldn't die.  At least I thought she couldn't.  Could my neglect, egged on by a life that was busy even without her, have caused her a fatal event?  Surely I could find a way to breathe fire back into the dying embers of her counsel.

I kept looking.  I went outside, searched my car, and even flipped over the lawn mower.  The neighbors gave me the stink-eye when I peered in their window.  After slinking away, I shook my head and sighed.  She wasn't anywhere in sight.  She had to be out there somewhere...

...didn't she?

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